saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
