i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
