the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
