Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
