He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
