Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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