she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
