My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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