So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We're too hungover to prance.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
