drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
