I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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