Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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