you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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