Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
