i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
