I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
