I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
