U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
