Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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