best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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