A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
