Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
