the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
