the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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