there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
