He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
