I CAN MOONWALK!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
