Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
