the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
