life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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