We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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