If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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