i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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