My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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