guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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