I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
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In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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