I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
