a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
