just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
