you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
