i used baking grease as lip gloss
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
