have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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