Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
