I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize