hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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