I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
