Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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