this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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