She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
