i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
