Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
