I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
