The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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