Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
