is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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