i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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