I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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